The New Year was just two days old before my dream died. Again. The good news was that it made two days this time, which was officially a new record. I’d like to take all the credit, but it was just because I procrastinated on making my New Year’s resolutions (which, of course, included to quit procrastinating).
It fell right between resolutions #65 (quit smoking) and #67 (remember nobody likes a quitter). There it was in black and white: #66 (Write a book). Darn it! Not again. Not that I have actually ever written a book. I’ve started writing 182 books (trust me… all of them were REALLY good), but finished writing exactly zero of them. So I thought maybe this year I would actually tackle it head on and bust out my personal War and Peace… and then I thought better about it (and there goes resolution #67).
It’s not that I couldn’t write a book. I just couldn’t write a book that anyone would actually want to read. Before I completely gave up, I even solicited feedback from my wife. “Maybe you could write on raising four daughters,” she suggested. That’s a fine idea and all, but let’s be honest, nobody wants to read about those boring little losers. So I kicked around other ideas… okay an idea singular… which was an autobiography that had me wearing a funny hat and began, “Four score and seven years ago…”. As it turned out, I officially had nothing!
So I did what I do when I have nothing, I became Eeyore:
Me: Ohhhhh Christopher Robbins… I stink as a writer and I am soooooo down that I just want to mope around talking like Eeyore all day.
My wife: What? Did you just call me Christopher Robbins? What the heck are you talking about? And if you keep talking like that I am going to donkey kick you in the nuts!
Me: Oh bother!
Wife: Okay, I warned you! Hiiiiiiyyyyyahhhhh!!!
But as I sat there icing my bruised ego (and unmentionables), I heard a whole slew of angels. Wait…slew? Flock? A pod? Peck? A herd? I heard a herd of angels? Nope! A HOST! I heard a host of angels! Actually, I didn’t hear anything, but I read a FaceBook post from that could have been written by a host of angels, but as it turned out was written by a guy on my Team in Training triathlon team. It turns out that he was a big fan of the show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and he wanted to host a contest where he was going to donate $250 to the winner’s fundraising efforts. All I had to do was write something, anything funny and in the perspective of an episode from the show. Heavenly hosts Batman! Here was my chance to prove that I was not a complete loser! Okay I’d still be a loser, but you get the point.
There was only one challenge, I had never seen the show. Well, that, and I’m not funny. So although I had never seen the show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” I seen the movie “Philadelphia” with Tom Hanks. I figured it was probably the same thing with Danny Devito playing the Tom Hanks role in the show. Have you ever tried to write something funny about a man dying of Aids? Me neither. I decided to do “research” and actually watch the show. In case you were wondering, it is a very funny show.
Anyway, sit down for this part, I ended up winning the contest. I’m sure there were probably thousands and thousands of people (a herd? Nevermind…) that entered the contest, and yours truly walked away with the golden participant ribbon. So although it is true that I am still the big fat loser that will never write a book, in a roundabout charity kind of way, I was paid for my writing. In my book (see what I did there), that makes me a professional writer! In your face Christopher Robbins! And I know it has absolutely nothing to do with writing, but from now on please refer to me as Fat Tom, Esquire.
For those of you that may might be actual fans of the show, I’ll apologize in advance but here is my AWARD WINNING episode called, “The Gang decides to do a Triathlon.” For those of you, who are like me, and have never seen the show, the real show is funny so don’t take this as a reason to not watch the show. Oh yeah… Danny Devito plays the character Frank who as it turns out, isn’t even related to Tom Hanks. Anyhoo, here it is:
On a Tuesday
The gang is sitting around chatting in the bar when a sweaty, out of breath Frank enters the bar wearing a burgundy velvet sweat suit…
Frank: Get me a beer, I’m carb loading!
Charlie: Carb loading? You?? For What??
Frank: I’ve decided to do a triathlon!
(Whole gang laughs)
Dee: So you are going to eat, drink beers, and what is the third thing that will complete this “triathlon” your doing?
Frank: Ha ha. I’m doing a real triathlon, I just signed up for the Ironman in Kona!
Mac: Wait, a triathlon would be hard enough, but YOU are doing an IRONMAN???
Frank: I didn’t say that I am DOING an Ironman, I said that I signed up for one. I tried to sign up for the handicap division, but they wanted me to prove that I was a complete quadraplegic in order to let me be pulled by someone else for the entire race. Once I realized that wasn’t going to happen, I signed up for the Lavaman Triathlon.
Dee: Frank, are you drunk? What are you talking about?
Charlie: Yeah… what exactly would possess YOU to sign up for a triathlon?
Frank: Not what Charlie… WHO??? She was the most gorgeous creature that I’ve ever seen…
(Fade to Dream Sequence….)
Frank is sitting at a bench in a park when Bo Derek, looking exactly like she did in 10 – with her cornrows far from the only thing bouncing- comes jogging in his direction. Frank sees her and immediately stands up in anticipation. Bo is running right to him in slow motion. She smiles at him… Frank smiles back… they lock eyes… Frank but can’t help but to put out his arms to allow Bo to run right into them….
…. Bo Derek hurdles the bench that Frank was sitting on, keeps running 25 more years until she reaches the lake, where she immediately enters the water, and swims off into the sunset…
(End Dream Sequence)
Dee: Wait, you didn’t even talk to her, how do you know she was training for a triathlon?
Frank: Are you kidding? She was running and swimming, what else would she be doing?
Dennis: Maybe desperately trying to escape the creep at the park that was fantasizing about her!
Frank: We’ll see who is laughing when I am crossing the finish line of my triathlon in Hawaii!
Dee: Hawaii? Why didn’t you say so, I’ve always wanted to do a triathlon!
(The guys all laugh.)
Mac: The only one less likely to do a triathlon than Frank is you. You’ve never exercised a day in your life!
Dee: I seemed to get plenty of exercise spanking your ass in the chugging contest.
Mac: I was the commissioner, not a fellow contestant!
Dee: You were a wuss! Why don’t you actually compete against me and Frank in this triathlon and we’ll see who spanks who.
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa… I want in on this ass paddling!
Dennis: Me too! How about a little wager… $100 each?
12 Weeks later
08:00 AM Race Day
The gang is stretching before the big race when Frank walks up in a full wetsuit, fins, a mask, and a snorkel.
Dennis: Are you trying to scare away any sharks by looking like an orca?
Frank: I’m not taking any chances of catching hypothermia in that freezing water!
Charlie: Frank, this is HAWAII, that water is 72 degrees!
Frank: I know, and I refuse to bathe in anything less than 90 degrees.
Mac: Guys they are calling our heat, let’s go!
(We see them all standing together in a circle in the water getting ready for their heat when Dee comes swimming up between them while doing the backstroke and spitting water out of her mouth like a fountain).
Charlie: What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with your own heat? Women start about 20 minutes after us.
Dee: I don’t trust you suckers! You aren’t going to get a chance to cheat… I’m racing with your heat!
The race begins and we see a shot of…
Mac flailing about during the swim while yelling, “I should have learned to swim in the last three months!” He eventually stands up and walks out while saying he just can’t do it.
Charlie drys off then uses his towel as a bib and pulls out an entire chicken and begins eating it during the first transition.
Dennis is exiting the water when he notices a couple of attractive women laying out on the beach. He decides to call it a day and lay in between them.
Frank: Gets not one but two flat tires… Then clothes line an elderly lady off her rascal scooter and rides off to finish the race on it.
Dee: Actually does really well. She can see the finish line…with 100 yards to go she realizes she needs to perfect her smack talk… 75 yards mostly cussing with a lot of “your mother” thrown in… 50 yards she decides on the time tested, “You guys can all suck my nuts!”…25 yards she raises her arms in victory just as two guys from security jump out of the crowd and announce they got the woman who cheated by starting before her heat. A ruckus ensues as security won’t let the cheater cross the finish line. Meanwhile Dee is now telling the security guard that THEY can suck her nuts.
As they wrestle Dee to the ground we see Frank pull up behind them on his stolen rascal scooter. He parks it in the crowd, gets off, and has a glorious 25 yards to victory.
After Frank crosses the finish line, the honorary chairwoman of the race puts the medal around his neck. She is, of course, none other than Bo Derek.