Ode to an Old Bird
So Fat Tom, Death, and Aunt Mary walk into a bar, and Aunt Mary says, "Your bar stools are too hard, take me home!" Not funny? I know. Considering I am attending my Aunt Mary's funeral tomorrow...really not funny! This is just my attempt to share that my fat isn't limited to my midsection...as there also seems to be plenty in my head. Fat Tom learn a lesson??? Never!
So you may recall from my Banana dog post (Read Banana Dog post), death seems to be stalking me these days. This time he got my Aunt, and truth be told, she was probably as good as candidate as any. She wasn't exactly a spring chicken and was already in hospice. Before hospice she was very nice...for about a minute or two at a time. Here was a typical afternoon when I would pick up my Mom and her sister Mary.
Mom: Where's your brother Paul? Have you seen Paul?
Me: Thanks, I love you too Mom. Hi Mary.
Mary: You sure have fat legs!
Me: Alrighty then, it was great spending time with you old birds.
Mom: What?
Me: Nothing. Get in the car and we'll get going.
Mary: This is a sweet ride you've got here.
Me: Thanks. I really think Toyota should make that the official motto for the Camry: "One Sweet ride."
Mary: Did you say something fat legs?
Mom: What?
Me: Okay, get in let's go.
Mary: You sure have a pretty face.
Me: Hey what man doesn't want to be told he has fat legs and a pretty face? I'd probably make a killing as a transvestite.
Mom: Have you seen Paul?
Me: Did me mentioning transvestites make you think of Paul?
Mom: What?
Mary: This sure is a sweet ride.
Me: Yeah...it's even better when the car is moving, get in!
Once we get everyone in the car the fun continues.
Mom: The lights red.
Me: Uhhh...yeah thanks, I can still see.
Mom and Mary (to God): Thank you! (every time the light turns green).
Mary: Do you have any smokers?
Me: No, but I'll buy you a whole carton if you stop thanking the traffic lights.
Mom: No! I don't want a cigarette.
Me: You sure? You've made it over 70 years without smoking, you don't want to start today?
Mom: Can you believe the Doctor told me I shouldn't have had any more babies after Paul?
Me: Yes.
Mom: He is so good to me. Have you seen him?
Me: Short, fat, brother of mine...also known as your favorite son. Doesn't sound familiar.
Mom: What?
Me: Mary, you aren't lighting that in my car!
Mary: You sure have a pretty face. I lovvvvvvvvvvvvve you.
Me: Uhhh..your flattery will get you nowhere. Don't smoke in my sweet ride!
That would all happen in about the first thirty seconds and then would repeat itself about 543 times on the ride. If we got to our destination at noon, here is how it would be at about 12:01:
Mary: Take me home!
Me: What? We just got here.
Mary: I don't care. Take me home!
Another sibling: Have some wine.
Mary to sibling: You sure have a pretty face.
Me: Sure...you use that line with all of the guys.
Mary (back to me): Wow! You have fat legs.
Me: I know you are almost 90, but if you say that one more time we are stepping outside.
Sibling: Here is your wine.
Mary (after she drinks the whole glass like a shot): Take me home NOW!
Everyone: 3, 2, 1...night night Mary.
Mary: zzzzzzz
Mom: What?
So that is how my sister got her Christmas picture last year. We were at a family dinner and Aunt Mary passed out at the table. Being the resourceful sister she was, she grabbed her family to surround Mary and had someone take a photo. She just added a caption that said, "We partied like rock stars this year" and viola, she had her Christmas card.
Anyway, the point of this blog post isn't to eulogize my Aunt, it was to point out what an idiot I still am...and you probably still are. If you recall from my prior post, death seems to be my shadow these days as I am averaging about a funeral a month right now. What I thought I learned from the other two was to not get too busy with my own stuff where I wouldn't have time for others and I challenged you to do the same. Well...that is where I know that nothing gets through my thick skull.
I actually got a head's up on Saturday that my Aunt Mary probably didn't have too much longer. On Sunday we went to church and I thought about taking my family over to the hospice afterwards. But...it was such a beautiful day, who wanted to waste such a nice day in a hospice? I decided to head home and take my kids to the park. Before we got to the park, I got word that my Aunt had passed away. Who wanted to waste time in a hospice? Not the guy with the pretty face and the fat legs. Once again, he was too busy. Oh well, hopefully I'll learn sometime. Enjoy your sweet ride in the sky Aunt Mary.
So you may recall from my Banana dog post (Read Banana Dog post), death seems to be stalking me these days. This time he got my Aunt, and truth be told, she was probably as good as candidate as any. She wasn't exactly a spring chicken and was already in hospice. Before hospice she was very nice...for about a minute or two at a time. Here was a typical afternoon when I would pick up my Mom and her sister Mary.
Mom: Where's your brother Paul? Have you seen Paul?
Me: Thanks, I love you too Mom. Hi Mary.
Mary: You sure have fat legs!
Me: Alrighty then, it was great spending time with you old birds.
Mom: What?
Me: Nothing. Get in the car and we'll get going.
Mary: This is a sweet ride you've got here.
Me: Thanks. I really think Toyota should make that the official motto for the Camry: "One Sweet ride."
Mary: Did you say something fat legs?
Mom: What?
Me: Okay, get in let's go.
Mary: You sure have a pretty face.
Me: Hey what man doesn't want to be told he has fat legs and a pretty face? I'd probably make a killing as a transvestite.
Mom: Have you seen Paul?
Me: Did me mentioning transvestites make you think of Paul?
Mom: What?
Mary: This sure is a sweet ride.
Me: Yeah...it's even better when the car is moving, get in!
Once we get everyone in the car the fun continues.
Mom: The lights red.
Me: Uhhh...yeah thanks, I can still see.
Mom and Mary (to God): Thank you! (every time the light turns green).
Mary: Do you have any smokers?
Me: No, but I'll buy you a whole carton if you stop thanking the traffic lights.
Mom: No! I don't want a cigarette.
Me: You sure? You've made it over 70 years without smoking, you don't want to start today?
Mom: Can you believe the Doctor told me I shouldn't have had any more babies after Paul?
Me: Yes.
Mom: He is so good to me. Have you seen him?
Me: Short, fat, brother of mine...also known as your favorite son. Doesn't sound familiar.
Mom: What?
Me: Mary, you aren't lighting that in my car!
Mary: You sure have a pretty face. I lovvvvvvvvvvvvve you.
Me: Uhhh..your flattery will get you nowhere. Don't smoke in my sweet ride!
That would all happen in about the first thirty seconds and then would repeat itself about 543 times on the ride. If we got to our destination at noon, here is how it would be at about 12:01:
Mary: Take me home!
Me: What? We just got here.
Mary: I don't care. Take me home!
Another sibling: Have some wine.
Mary to sibling: You sure have a pretty face.
Me: Sure...you use that line with all of the guys.
Mary (back to me): Wow! You have fat legs.
Me: I know you are almost 90, but if you say that one more time we are stepping outside.
Sibling: Here is your wine.
Mary (after she drinks the whole glass like a shot): Take me home NOW!
Everyone: 3, 2, 1...night night Mary.
Mary: zzzzzzz
Mom: What?
So that is how my sister got her Christmas picture last year. We were at a family dinner and Aunt Mary passed out at the table. Being the resourceful sister she was, she grabbed her family to surround Mary and had someone take a photo. She just added a caption that said, "We partied like rock stars this year" and viola, she had her Christmas card.
Anyway, the point of this blog post isn't to eulogize my Aunt, it was to point out what an idiot I still am...and you probably still are. If you recall from my prior post, death seems to be my shadow these days as I am averaging about a funeral a month right now. What I thought I learned from the other two was to not get too busy with my own stuff where I wouldn't have time for others and I challenged you to do the same. Well...that is where I know that nothing gets through my thick skull.
I actually got a head's up on Saturday that my Aunt Mary probably didn't have too much longer. On Sunday we went to church and I thought about taking my family over to the hospice afterwards. But...it was such a beautiful day, who wanted to waste such a nice day in a hospice? I decided to head home and take my kids to the park. Before we got to the park, I got word that my Aunt had passed away. Who wanted to waste time in a hospice? Not the guy with the pretty face and the fat legs. Once again, he was too busy. Oh well, hopefully I'll learn sometime. Enjoy your sweet ride in the sky Aunt Mary.
Posted by Fat Tom at 10/28/2009 7:55 PM 
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: Death hospice old folks lessons of death
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: Death hospice old folks lessons of death
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