I am my Father's undergarments
I hope everyone had a great Halloween weekend. I don't know about you, but i was frightened beyond belief. My scare didn't come from any of the little neighborhood goblins (including the little tyke that loudly announced, "I don't even like this kind of Candy!" as she left my porch). No, my scare came in the form of a phone call from none other than my Nemesis.
I was working on my Father of the Year award by picking up some nice healthy Burger King when my wife called. I was next in the line at the drive-thru when I made the mistake of answering her urgent call of, "Your oldest daughter needs new underwear." What?!?!? I can barely get diapers for my youngest never mind underwear for a teenager. "Hello??? Sir, can I help you?" I must have blacked out in the middle of the drive-thru and now the speaker box was getting angry. "I, uh...I need some underwear" I was able to utter. "Want fries with that?" came the reply.
When I finally came to my senses I looked around at the surrounding businesses to see which one might possibly sell underwear for teenagers. The yogurt shop? Starbucks? The bank???? No, not unless she wanted a venti size, and maybe if I opened a new checking account. "Where do I even start looking?" I asked my wife. "Breathe....breathe..." she could obviously tell I was on the verge of hyperventilating, "Just go to Target, I'm sure you'll be able to find some there."
I love how easy my wife made it sound. I was having visions of when I was a kid and we had generic products. If you wanted some soda, you got a six pack of blue and white cans that said "soda." I was hoping their would be a vending machine or something that said, "your teenage daughter's underwear." No luck. Not even close. Instead of a simple vending machine, there was an entire section of women's undergarments. Not a moment before I got there I realized that a man really had no business being in the women's intimate apparel section of Target. I immediately got the giggles. The only thing creepier that a guy in that part of Target, is a guy giggling in that part of Target.
I passed the bras, and a bunch of stuff I was too old to know what they were, as I tried to not make eye contact with a young women that crossed paths with me. Finally, I found the underwear. Yikes! This wasn't your grandma's underwear. I immediately did my cheapskate thing and looked for the sale and I noticed I could get two thongs for...scratch that, I don't care if they paid me, I was not about to get my daughter a thong. I kept looking and noticed some with ruffles and wondered how quickly my daughter would kill me if I came home with ruffled panties. This turned my giggles into full blown laughter! I passed on the ruffles and finally found some that had plenty of material, no ruffles, and were as boring as I could find. Done. I grabbed them, put on a serious face, and bolted to the cash register.
I found an elderly lady behind one register and hoped she was completely blind. As it turned out, she wasn't even visually impaired and she had a very impressive mole. It started out a normal mole-color, but when she noticed what I was buying, she became very tight lipped and her mole quickly became a mood ring. She looked like she was going to announce over the public address system, "Attention Shoppers: There is a pervert at register 6" but she didn't actually say anything. Instead , her mole just got redder and redder. It was right then that I realized, I am my father's undergarments.
My Dad had a similar, but very different, event happen to him. He was shopping with my sister and two oldest brothers when it hit him that my Mom's birthday was coming up. He decided he really needed to get her something nice that year, and figured new underwear would fit the bill. His only challenge was that he had no idea what size my Mom was, so he told my sister to go ask a fellow shopper what size underwear she wore. My sister was mortified, and my brothers were just almost rolling in the aisle from laughing so hard. My Mom wasn't exactly skinny but at 5'10 she was probably in the 170 lb. range. Apparently the customer that he picked to be the size model for my Mom was maybe 5 foot and somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 bills.
When it was obviously that even threats of the belt weren't going to work, he took on the task himself. "Excuse me, ma'am..." he started as the woman looked to see what he needed and had to wonder why his kids were laughing so hard, "what size underwear do you wear?" "What?!?" was the only thing she said before yelling, "SECURITY!!!!" By the time security arrived they weren't sure if they were supposed to arrest the old guy harassing the pudgy woman or perform CPR on the kids that could barely breath from laughing so hard.
My Dad would have been proud that his son turned out as clueless as he was. I at least learned from him though. At least I was smart enough to leave my kids at home for my undergarment shenanigans.
I was working on my Father of the Year award by picking up some nice healthy Burger King when my wife called. I was next in the line at the drive-thru when I made the mistake of answering her urgent call of, "Your oldest daughter needs new underwear." What?!?!? I can barely get diapers for my youngest never mind underwear for a teenager. "Hello??? Sir, can I help you?" I must have blacked out in the middle of the drive-thru and now the speaker box was getting angry. "I, uh...I need some underwear" I was able to utter. "Want fries with that?" came the reply.
When I finally came to my senses I looked around at the surrounding businesses to see which one might possibly sell underwear for teenagers. The yogurt shop? Starbucks? The bank???? No, not unless she wanted a venti size, and maybe if I opened a new checking account. "Where do I even start looking?" I asked my wife. "Breathe....breathe..." she could obviously tell I was on the verge of hyperventilating, "Just go to Target, I'm sure you'll be able to find some there."
I love how easy my wife made it sound. I was having visions of when I was a kid and we had generic products. If you wanted some soda, you got a six pack of blue and white cans that said "soda." I was hoping their would be a vending machine or something that said, "your teenage daughter's underwear." No luck. Not even close. Instead of a simple vending machine, there was an entire section of women's undergarments. Not a moment before I got there I realized that a man really had no business being in the women's intimate apparel section of Target. I immediately got the giggles. The only thing creepier that a guy in that part of Target, is a guy giggling in that part of Target.
I passed the bras, and a bunch of stuff I was too old to know what they were, as I tried to not make eye contact with a young women that crossed paths with me. Finally, I found the underwear. Yikes! This wasn't your grandma's underwear. I immediately did my cheapskate thing and looked for the sale and I noticed I could get two thongs for...scratch that, I don't care if they paid me, I was not about to get my daughter a thong. I kept looking and noticed some with ruffles and wondered how quickly my daughter would kill me if I came home with ruffled panties. This turned my giggles into full blown laughter! I passed on the ruffles and finally found some that had plenty of material, no ruffles, and were as boring as I could find. Done. I grabbed them, put on a serious face, and bolted to the cash register.
I found an elderly lady behind one register and hoped she was completely blind. As it turned out, she wasn't even visually impaired and she had a very impressive mole. It started out a normal mole-color, but when she noticed what I was buying, she became very tight lipped and her mole quickly became a mood ring. She looked like she was going to announce over the public address system, "Attention Shoppers: There is a pervert at register 6" but she didn't actually say anything. Instead , her mole just got redder and redder. It was right then that I realized, I am my father's undergarments.
My Dad had a similar, but very different, event happen to him. He was shopping with my sister and two oldest brothers when it hit him that my Mom's birthday was coming up. He decided he really needed to get her something nice that year, and figured new underwear would fit the bill. His only challenge was that he had no idea what size my Mom was, so he told my sister to go ask a fellow shopper what size underwear she wore. My sister was mortified, and my brothers were just almost rolling in the aisle from laughing so hard. My Mom wasn't exactly skinny but at 5'10 she was probably in the 170 lb. range. Apparently the customer that he picked to be the size model for my Mom was maybe 5 foot and somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 bills.
When it was obviously that even threats of the belt weren't going to work, he took on the task himself. "Excuse me, ma'am..." he started as the woman looked to see what he needed and had to wonder why his kids were laughing so hard, "what size underwear do you wear?" "What?!?" was the only thing she said before yelling, "SECURITY!!!!" By the time security arrived they weren't sure if they were supposed to arrest the old guy harassing the pudgy woman or perform CPR on the kids that could barely breath from laughing so hard.
My Dad would have been proud that his son turned out as clueless as he was. I at least learned from him though. At least I was smart enough to leave my kids at home for my undergarment shenanigans.
This is hilarious! I am litterally laughing out loud! (:
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