Fat Tom goes to Blogville

30 day challenge

2010-03-10T02:39:00Z

I've got a challenge for you. It's got nothing to do with how many twinkies you can eat in a minute or which one of us looks better in a sumo wrestler thong. In fact, it has nothing to do with any of that stuff, but I'm not going to tell you what it does have to do with until the end of this blog...and no, the challenge isn't to see if you can actually make it to the end of the blog. I lost yet another person in ...

Tiger Woods, the Easter Bunny, and Goobers

2010-02-20T16:18:00Z

      So Tiger Woods and the Easter Bunny hop into a bar and the Easter Bunny says, "Stop poking me!" Not funny? I know. That is exactly my point: Getting old is not funny.
      I remember the first sign t
     ...

Slap a diaper on me and call me Stupid...er...Cupid

2010-02-14T02:40:00Z

Thinking back on it, maybe I should have been a little suspicious the way the guy on the other line kept repeating my questions, "uh...yeah... we take reservations." Maybe he was hesitant because he misunderstood me and thought I was asking for reservations that night. "Do we have any room for this Friday night?" he echoed me again, "I'll have to check." Being the big romantic that I am, I wasn't leaving anything to chance for my Valentine. More importantly, being the big spender that I am not, I was ...

At least it isn't yellow snow

2010-01-31T04:59:00Z

My favorite commercial has got to be the beer commercial that touts the, "Real men of genius." If you've been in a cave and don't know what I'm talking about, I'll give you a sample one that I'm sure I'll butcher. "Here's to you Mr. Shout the obvious, yelling insightful words to the wide receiver after he catches a pass like...RUN." Okay, maybe it isn't the same without the jingle, but I've been busy coming up my own ...

God's will for a Turkey

2009-11-26T03:35:00Z

Unlike this blog, prayer is a funny thing. Pray for patience, and an alligator eats your legs off to help you slow down. Pray for more gluten in your diet, and you become a glutton. That's why I always pray for whatever winning lottery numbers my horoscope predicts. I figure that way if I don't strike it rich, I can curse God for making me the wrong astrological sign. Okay, so none of that is true, but you can't handle the truth. Actually, lately ...

Angels and alcohol (revised with comments included)

2009-11-14T02:40:00Z

It was 10 years ago today that I heard the voices. They were feminine voices that I understood clearly, but hadn't heard before. One said, "Okay, it's time to go" but the other one asked, "what about this one?" The last thing I heard the first one say was, "this ought to take care of him" and I instantly had a cramp in my calf that felt as if it was secured firmly in a vise while someone took a sledge hammer to it. Over the previous 72 hours I got about ...

Fat Tom gets a Fatwaaaaaaa???????

2009-11-10T04:10:00Z

(On the penguin meter this post is probably a zero. If you don't have kids, you may not have seen The Wild so you may not recognize the reference. I know most of you prefer the "cute and cuddly" posts, but...) "God is great" isn't exactly something that should send you scrambling for cover. In fact, when said in English, it might even get a resounding, "Amen!" If said in Arabic, it sounds like this: "Allahu Akbar" and can be found in many different places. For example, it is written ...

I am my Father's undergarments

2009-11-04T02:55:00Z

I hope everyone had a great Halloween weekend. I don't know about you, but i was frightened beyond belief. My scare didn't come from any of the little neighborhood goblins (including the little tyke that loudly announced, "I don't even like this kind of Candy!" as she left my porch). No, my scare came in the form of a phone call from none other than my Nemesis. I was working on my Father of the Year award by picking up some nice healthy Burger King when ...

Finally...a REAL writer on this darn blog!

2009-11-04T00:41:00Z

I figured I torture you enough with my own blog postings, time to treat you to a real writer. This is from guest blogger Linda Fulkerson (bio info below). Enjoy!

...

Ode to an Old Bird

2009-10-29T03:55:00Z

So Fat Tom, Death, and Aunt Mary walk into a bar, and Aunt Mary says, "Your bar stools are too hard, take me home!" Not funny? I know. Considering I am attending my Aunt Mary's funeral tomorrow...really not funny! This is just my attempt to share that my fat isn't limited to my midsection...as there also seems to be plenty in my head. Fat Tom learn a lesson??? Never! So you may recall from my Banana dog post (Read Banana Dog post), death seems to be ...

Something rotten in ________

2009-10-26T00:04:00Z

You probably all know the spooky kids riddle that seems to read your mind. If not, you take a number, divide it by your favorite color, add a half-eaten apple, then multiply it by the number of letters your first girlfriend had in her middle name, and you are magically thinking of a blue elephant in Denmark. I'm not sure that those are the exact steps, but it is the result and that is exactly what you happened to be thinking. Pretty spooky eh? Maybe that is too juvenile for my ...

It's a small brain, but come on in!

2009-10-24T02:27:00Z

I've got an interesting but very diverse reading audience. I've got some of you crazy Christians, others of you are the heading to hell in a hand basket heathens, and last but certainly least, some of you kooky kats are planning the Jihad. Instead of trying to write a blog where you can all relate, I figured I'd just let you all inside my mind. It was an hour in time that took place last Sunday and it was one of those times where although there were plenty of others in ...

I waxed my bikini area for this???

2009-10-14T03:54:00Z

Did I ever tell you about the time I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS)? Fortunately for me, it was a self-diagnosis and as usual, I was wrong. It happened not too long ago and was almost funny enough to share at a funeral and since this blog is occasionally more fun than a funeral, I'll share it here. It started in late May with some tingling and numbness. I was training for an Ironman so I was used to being uncomfortable in certain parts of my body that tend ...

The President of Iran: Pedophile or just a pervert?

2009-10-08T03:16:00Z

"They" say a lot of things. According to Grandma, they say something you buy at the 99 cent store would cost you 4 or 5 dollars elsewhere. They say truth is stranger than fiction. I'm not sure if they ever say that truth is scarier than fiction, but if they do, I agree with them. All of the following is true. I know you won't see it reported on the news, but with a little research all of this can be verified. If you are like me, you don't ...

The end is near...(No really, we mean it this time)

2009-10-03T03:34:00Z

You Christians are all idiots. There is gullible, beyond gullible, and then Christians. What's really funny is how you say to live like the end is near and that Jesus could come back at any time. Ummmm...don't you think you could have learned anything from the those Christians that fell for the same line of baloney for the past 2000 years? Besides, isn't there supposed to be all sorts of crazy stuff that happens before the end? Stuff with Israel, variations of animals that basically don't exist, disease, famine, and ...

A banana dog and a bad-ass in the Valley of the Shadow of Death

2009-09-25T05:39:00Z

I could tell something was up when I heard my daughters giggling and saw my wife laughing. "What does he look like?" she asked as our dog came running up wearing some sort of white hood. "Oh No! Charlie is joining the Klan" I said. My daughter quickly informed me, "Daddy, he is a banana!" Under closer inspection I noticed that not only was he wearing a white hood, he was also wearing a yellow doggy body suit. Phew! Not only is my dog too smart to be in the KKK ...

It isn't really 3 bills I'm worried about...

2009-09-22T04:56:00Z

Mental note: eat like a piggy while training for an ironman, still lose weight. Eat like a piggy while not training for an ironman, become piggy. Okay I'll admit it, today's weigh-in has me a little concerned. I was up 5 lbs. I know the kind ones among you are thinking, "Don't worry, I'm sure it is just water weight, you've got nothing to worry about." I appreciate that and would maybe even agree if it wasn't my fourth day in row of putting on 5 plus pounds. Pardon ...

My matchmaker, little lamb, and Hannibal Lecter

2009-09-12T05:38:00Z

Ahhh...I survived the first week of school. Where are the atheists now, huh? Try telling me there is no God at the end of Summer after sending your kids back to school. Anyway, while the rest of you were enjoying your parties, I was doing my research to make sure everyone was going to be okay. I spent almost all of last week reading anything I could get my hands on about serial killers. I read FBI files, America's Most Wanted reports, and even some of my old Encyclopedia Brown ...

Nibbles and bits (aka 24 hours to humility)

2009-08-24T15:26:00Z

Just when I start to get a little cocky, my kids slap me back down to my place. I recently thought I was actually starting to get funny, and within a 24 hour time span my kids showed me I don't even know what funny is compared to them. The clock on my countdown would have started Friday night when I was putting my two year old daughter down for bed. We read a story, said our prayers, and I told her, "night night sweetie, I love you" and then ...

Do you want mustard with that nail gun?

2009-08-20T05:35:00Z

I've gotta be the funniest guy I know. Okay, maybe I need to be a little more specific. When I don't have any sleep, I am the funniest fat guy I know named Tom who writes a blog and is married to my nemesis. The key part of that being when I don't have any sleep. This isn't necessarily a good thing. Think of the drunk guy that thinks he is really funny. Unless you are also really drunk, you just think he is an idiot. And so goes ...